I'm really sorry if I'm not pretty enough that I have to resort to chasing after boys just to make them like me.

Grrr.

Kaines.

My first gambling experience was on the Holy Week of 2009, when my thrill-seeking aunt decided to involve money in our pusoy dos games. However, a few rounds and endless coin-scrounging failed to make me see the point of the addition of money as an added thrill to the activity.

Fast forward to almost a year later, and I still do not appreciate the prospect of entrusting your money to the hands of fate when I played cards with my co-interns in a night duty.

Or maybe I'm just a sore loser because I can't win big?

But I guess that's my problem--I'm too afraid to gamble a big amount or to go 'all in'...Hahahaha. If I lost money in the previous games, I can't win it all back by gambling only a small amount...

Ganoon din kaya sa buhay? Sa lalake? LOL LOL LOL

Ok ngayon ko lang nagets--matagal ko na palang gets kung ano yung 'monster in the chest' ni JK Rowling. HAHAHAHAHA.

WTH?!


So embarassing.

========================

You're my own personal brand of pornography.

'Baket?! Kailangan ba niyang nakahubad para maachieve ang ultimate hotness?!'

----------

Ay jusmiyo!

Ohyeaaaah.

Yun lang. OMG hahaha in fairness medyo laid back ako ngayon. Ok sinasabi ko lang na laid back kasi I can't simply excuse myself from the classroom to do chores kasi like hello nasa kabilang ibayo ang ospital ko. But anyway...ayun nga.

Goodness ako pala opening remarks. CRAP WALA PA AKONG MAISIP. *DIES*

Ok medyo sabog pa ako kasi I'll be taking (HOPEFULLY) MY LAST EXAM IN MY WHOLE MED TECH UNDERGRAD CAREER so super hurrah!!!!!!!!!!! No retakes plzzz.

Ok sabog talaga. :):):)

=====================

In other news, sabog talaga VFFs ko. Just when you think you've got a good grasp on how it is to be close friends with guys, they surprise you. Definitely not experiencing this with other friends. HAHAHHAHA. Or career-oriented lang talaga silang lahat. Frankly speaking nagmumukha talaga akong patapon kapag tinabi ako sa kanila. HAHAHAHA.

=====================

UST-FMS entrance exams on the 27th. GOD IPASA NYO NA KO. Hindi ko alam kung saang kangkungan ako pupulutin if I don't kasi UST lang ang inapplyan ko and I don't intend to apply anywhere else.

ang babaw pero i haaaaaate you for disregarding something that meant so much to me.

omg nabubwisit ako. grrrrr.

una ka pa naman dun sa message list na yun. I HAAAATE. grrrrrr. really. I HAAAAAATE.

"Friends shouldn't really be stalking friends"

- Alena Pias P. Bantolo, February 7, 2010, 12:30 am

====================================================

It's been 4 days into my FB sabbatical and I don't even know why I am intending to post this entry in public especially when I am fully aware that just one random search of my name in Google would most probably yield this entry with THAT intro. Hahahaha. Yes, that was a run-on. :p

Maybe it's because I'm 100 150 200% sure that most probably, the ones who I do not want to be reading this would never waste even a moment of their time stalking searching me through Google.

Maybe that's the reason why even though I renamed *that* Twitter, it's still in public, somewhere. I like the feeling of being able to shout out loud something for the whole wide world to hear, without them having any idea of what the hell I am talking about or what the whole activity's impact is to me.

====================================================

Anyway, like I said, it's been four days into my sabbatical and yet I've found loopholes to my own provisions that I'm starting to feel like I've been fooling myself all this time with all these "rules". Guuuuh. NAKAKAHIYAAAA!

====================================================

O yun lang muna. To conclude...

I'm f***ing scared. It's really stupid. Mala-Kim Chiu siya, actually. "Bukas makalawa, may bagong pagseselosan. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m so insecure. No love is enough for me— not even yours."

O DIBA???? POTAAAAH. wthwthwth. Ang engot lang ever. Oh gaaahd. Mahirap iexplain. Kasi pare parang ganun din nagsimula lahat for me. Who's to say na ganun na naman ulit? Na hindi na lang naman me only? Oh fuck why am I even thinking this????! Wala akong right! Wala! Wala! Walaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

That is why I am screwed, my friend. Ang engot lang niya talaga, tangeners. Isipin mo na lang...isa rin ako sa may pakana nitong lahat kung bakit siya mangyayari. HAHAHA. Not taking any credit though. Sinasabi ko lang lolz bastaaaah. OH GAHD. IRELOCATE NYO NA KO SA IBANG BANSA BWAHAHA

I should really stop chasing after boys. HAHAHA.

Yung weird is that I'm probably the only one who knows that I'm chasing/running after you. HAHAHAHAHA. Sabooog.

And here's to finally, finally, finally moving on. *crosses fingers* Sana totoo na ito.

mali na naman ba ang gising ko o sadyang may mali talaga sa akin lately? hahaha.

crap. i hate this...never ending cycle. hindi ko alam kung wala lang akong tiwala sa sarili ko or hindi ako makamove on pero i think i won't be able to stop anytime soon. nako. pagod na ko.

kailangan ko na ng pagbabago. *sigh*

just had the best day with you today.

kahit wala pang dalawang oras yun.


..............


yun lang. muna.

It mystifies me that I have become someone I once swore I will not end up being. How did it get to this point?

Maybe saturating myself with fanfics was a good move to save myself? Or was it a perfect excuse to skirt around the real issue? *sigh*

================

Damn. I really need to get a life. No, really.

Haha. Ang saya. I love you, Rafael. :)





HAHAHA.

Maybe it's just all the estrogen talking but I'm feeling somewhat negative this week. I can't seem to put my finger on the exact reason.

Hindi ko alam. Parang feel ko may kulang but I don't know kung ano. :(:(:(

After months of waiting, the semestral evaluation results have finally come! :) Yay to sweldo, and too bad for me for losing my top ten status.

I know it's just a rank, I can't really compare myself to others, and I had more important things to worry about during that time but my innate competitiveness called for a tinge of disappointment over the results. Ranking 21 out of 30 is kind of a bad ranking, if you ask me. Haha.

Can't even say that it was worth it because I didn't even reach my expectations, academically. So that just sucked. Oh well...ganun siguro talaga. But other than that, I'm just glad that I could start anew.

Basta I know naman how much I tried to do my obligations as well as I could. :D It's hard. Only I could understand that (and FJ). I tried to make a difference by taking another shot at the dean's list and I didn't even make it. These are just some of the consequences of choosing something over the other. Oh well. :)

Now that we really are starting anew, my competitive streak is starting to kick in again. But then again, a strong desire to just get this over and done with is just as strong. I dunno which feeling will prevail haha. It will be disappointing for my predecessors if I didn't do it well. So I probably will keep that in mind to motivate me when I lose all reasons to go on. :p

Good luck na lang sa amin. :)

------------------------------------

Fine. So one second I'm confused. The next I'm semi-sure. Now I'm just tired that I want to forget. This is kind of stupid. Haha. I might even be a cause of confusion, myself since I don't even understand myself hahaha. I probably am the only one agonizing over this so what's the point? I don't really know. It's like groping in the dark for something you don't know which you aren't even sure if you want to find.

I'm not even forcing things. Or I try not to. Sometimes I can't help it but I try to stop when I can. Why am I still entertaining this train of thoughts?

I'm not even sure of what I'm saying. All I know is that at this very moment, I feel so tired. Haha. :) And so unsure of what I'm doing. Like looking before leaping only to find that I can't even see where I'll be falling at because I'm so far off the ground.

All I'm sure of is that I don't call the shots here.

I just had a rude awakening kaninang hapon. Hahahaha.

I seem to have developed this nasty habit of denying the existence of something to the point that the damn things just hit me square in the face at my most unguarded moments.

Defense mechanism? Hardly. It (denial) stripped me of any possible chances to put up a defense had I admitted them to myself ages ago.

Denial queen? Mukhang ako na nga ata yun.

While hearing an anticipated mass back in January (or so I think it was), I caught FJ, my section editor, saying something about finally seeing the forty-something-th Jansport bag that has the same design as his. Earning a curious look from me, he explained that it was a personal challenge to find 50 Jansport bags and then make a wish after that.

I thought that was weird. I mean, is there any certainty that your wish will come true after that? Not wanting to spoil the fun, as I thought it would surely be an interesting activity nevertheless, I decided to try it out.

According to FJ, you can pick whatever rare thing to look for. He even told me of one of his classmates who had to look for 100 red taxi cabs (with the prevalence of white taxi cabs, I really wonder when she'll be done with that. hahaha). I let him pick my challenge since I didn't want to choose something that will be too easy or too difficult. A few minutes later, he told me that I will have to look for 50 jet planes. Thinking that it is something that's not too easy nor too difficult (as I have seen jet planes in the past), I agreed.

Weeks have passed since that Saturday afternoon and I have yet to find my first jet plane. When I remember that I have to look for fifty of them, I just heave a heavy sigh and wonder if I would ever finish this whole thing. And then I forget about the challenge and go on with my life. And then I remember. And then I forget. Once, I complained to FJ about my frustrations but he only told me that I should look up into the sky more often. Haha.

This afternoon, while accompanying Eli and Sam to Mandaluyong in a taxi cab, I suddenly remembered that challenge while thinking of the objectSSS of my annoyance. But because I was very much preoccupied, I forgot about it.

A few hours later, while on my way home from Dapitan Square, still in a taxi cab, my mind started to wander. I saw a group of lights glide slowly up in the sky. But since I was so lost in my thoughts, it took me a while to remember and realize that I've finally seen my first jet plane!

In all my excitement, it dawned upon me that it's already been almost two months since we made that challenge. And it took me such a long time to find my first one. FJ finished his after almost one year. At this rate, when will I finish mine?

And that's when I learned my lesson--that there are just some things that we're looking for that we shouldn't force ourselves to find. They'll eventually show up as long as we'll be open to it (and remember that we're actually looking for something hahahaha). It may take a long time to find it but when we do, it's definitely thrilling. Besides, it's less frustrating when we keep it at the back of our minds. Hahahaha.

One down, fourty-nine to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=================================================================

I am STILL annoyed. :D

THE VARSITARIAN, in cooperation with 8 Glasses Productions, will be holding the first UST CineVita Film Making Workshop on April 17-18 and 24-25. The workshop will be facilitated by award-winning director Jim Libiran.

A UST Sociology alumnus and former manager of ABS-CBN’s news and public affairs division, Jim Libiran is also the director of "Tribu," the 2007 Cinemalaya grand prix winner and 2008 Youth Jury Prize winner of the PAris Cinematheque.

The workshop is open to ALL COLLEGE STUDENTS from different colleges and universities.

Submit a short or full-length film CD that will be screened by Libiran himself. Films that are either recently done or have been used to other film competitions or workshops shall be accepted.

A maximum of 12 participants that will be chosen shall be granted scholarship by the Varsitarian for the film workshop.

Deadline for submission is extended until March 30 at the Varsitarian office, Rm. 105 Tan Yan Kee Student Center, UST, España, Manila. Remember to include your resume, a copy of your registration form and filmography, or script encased in a brown envelope.

Ang saya saya saya saya ko! :D

- malapit na ang bakasyon
- outing sa friday
- magaganda ang resulta ng online exams. :D

Bukas: SI na lang. Woohooo! Nakakatamad na nga mag-aral eh

(Yon parang walang PD eh. =)) Joooke. HAHAHA)