mali na naman ba ang gising ko o sadyang may mali talaga sa akin lately? hahaha.

crap. i hate this...never ending cycle. hindi ko alam kung wala lang akong tiwala sa sarili ko or hindi ako makamove on pero i think i won't be able to stop anytime soon. nako. pagod na ko.

kailangan ko na ng pagbabago. *sigh*

just had the best day with you today.

kahit wala pang dalawang oras yun.


..............


yun lang. muna.

It mystifies me that I have become someone I once swore I will not end up being. How did it get to this point?

Maybe saturating myself with fanfics was a good move to save myself? Or was it a perfect excuse to skirt around the real issue? *sigh*

================

Damn. I really need to get a life. No, really.

Haha. Ang saya. I love you, Rafael. :)





HAHAHA.

Maybe it's just all the estrogen talking but I'm feeling somewhat negative this week. I can't seem to put my finger on the exact reason.

Hindi ko alam. Parang feel ko may kulang but I don't know kung ano. :(:(:(

After months of waiting, the semestral evaluation results have finally come! :) Yay to sweldo, and too bad for me for losing my top ten status.

I know it's just a rank, I can't really compare myself to others, and I had more important things to worry about during that time but my innate competitiveness called for a tinge of disappointment over the results. Ranking 21 out of 30 is kind of a bad ranking, if you ask me. Haha.

Can't even say that it was worth it because I didn't even reach my expectations, academically. So that just sucked. Oh well...ganun siguro talaga. But other than that, I'm just glad that I could start anew.

Basta I know naman how much I tried to do my obligations as well as I could. :D It's hard. Only I could understand that (and FJ). I tried to make a difference by taking another shot at the dean's list and I didn't even make it. These are just some of the consequences of choosing something over the other. Oh well. :)

Now that we really are starting anew, my competitive streak is starting to kick in again. But then again, a strong desire to just get this over and done with is just as strong. I dunno which feeling will prevail haha. It will be disappointing for my predecessors if I didn't do it well. So I probably will keep that in mind to motivate me when I lose all reasons to go on. :p

Good luck na lang sa amin. :)

------------------------------------

Fine. So one second I'm confused. The next I'm semi-sure. Now I'm just tired that I want to forget. This is kind of stupid. Haha. I might even be a cause of confusion, myself since I don't even understand myself hahaha. I probably am the only one agonizing over this so what's the point? I don't really know. It's like groping in the dark for something you don't know which you aren't even sure if you want to find.

I'm not even forcing things. Or I try not to. Sometimes I can't help it but I try to stop when I can. Why am I still entertaining this train of thoughts?

I'm not even sure of what I'm saying. All I know is that at this very moment, I feel so tired. Haha. :) And so unsure of what I'm doing. Like looking before leaping only to find that I can't even see where I'll be falling at because I'm so far off the ground.

All I'm sure of is that I don't call the shots here.

I just had a rude awakening kaninang hapon. Hahahaha.

I seem to have developed this nasty habit of denying the existence of something to the point that the damn things just hit me square in the face at my most unguarded moments.

Defense mechanism? Hardly. It (denial) stripped me of any possible chances to put up a defense had I admitted them to myself ages ago.

Denial queen? Mukhang ako na nga ata yun.

While hearing an anticipated mass back in January (or so I think it was), I caught FJ, my section editor, saying something about finally seeing the forty-something-th Jansport bag that has the same design as his. Earning a curious look from me, he explained that it was a personal challenge to find 50 Jansport bags and then make a wish after that.

I thought that was weird. I mean, is there any certainty that your wish will come true after that? Not wanting to spoil the fun, as I thought it would surely be an interesting activity nevertheless, I decided to try it out.

According to FJ, you can pick whatever rare thing to look for. He even told me of one of his classmates who had to look for 100 red taxi cabs (with the prevalence of white taxi cabs, I really wonder when she'll be done with that. hahaha). I let him pick my challenge since I didn't want to choose something that will be too easy or too difficult. A few minutes later, he told me that I will have to look for 50 jet planes. Thinking that it is something that's not too easy nor too difficult (as I have seen jet planes in the past), I agreed.

Weeks have passed since that Saturday afternoon and I have yet to find my first jet plane. When I remember that I have to look for fifty of them, I just heave a heavy sigh and wonder if I would ever finish this whole thing. And then I forget about the challenge and go on with my life. And then I remember. And then I forget. Once, I complained to FJ about my frustrations but he only told me that I should look up into the sky more often. Haha.

This afternoon, while accompanying Eli and Sam to Mandaluyong in a taxi cab, I suddenly remembered that challenge while thinking of the objectSSS of my annoyance. But because I was very much preoccupied, I forgot about it.

A few hours later, while on my way home from Dapitan Square, still in a taxi cab, my mind started to wander. I saw a group of lights glide slowly up in the sky. But since I was so lost in my thoughts, it took me a while to remember and realize that I've finally seen my first jet plane!

In all my excitement, it dawned upon me that it's already been almost two months since we made that challenge. And it took me such a long time to find my first one. FJ finished his after almost one year. At this rate, when will I finish mine?

And that's when I learned my lesson--that there are just some things that we're looking for that we shouldn't force ourselves to find. They'll eventually show up as long as we'll be open to it (and remember that we're actually looking for something hahahaha). It may take a long time to find it but when we do, it's definitely thrilling. Besides, it's less frustrating when we keep it at the back of our minds. Hahahaha.

One down, fourty-nine to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=================================================================

I am STILL annoyed. :D

THE VARSITARIAN, in cooperation with 8 Glasses Productions, will be holding the first UST CineVita Film Making Workshop on April 17-18 and 24-25. The workshop will be facilitated by award-winning director Jim Libiran.

A UST Sociology alumnus and former manager of ABS-CBN’s news and public affairs division, Jim Libiran is also the director of "Tribu," the 2007 Cinemalaya grand prix winner and 2008 Youth Jury Prize winner of the PAris Cinematheque.

The workshop is open to ALL COLLEGE STUDENTS from different colleges and universities.

Submit a short or full-length film CD that will be screened by Libiran himself. Films that are either recently done or have been used to other film competitions or workshops shall be accepted.

A maximum of 12 participants that will be chosen shall be granted scholarship by the Varsitarian for the film workshop.

Deadline for submission is extended until March 30 at the Varsitarian office, Rm. 105 Tan Yan Kee Student Center, UST, España, Manila. Remember to include your resume, a copy of your registration form and filmography, or script encased in a brown envelope.

Ang saya saya saya saya ko! :D

- malapit na ang bakasyon
- outing sa friday
- magaganda ang resulta ng online exams. :D

Bukas: SI na lang. Woohooo! Nakakatamad na nga mag-aral eh

(Yon parang walang PD eh. =)) Joooke. HAHAHA)

Sinusukuan ko na ang Monday ko. AHUHUHU.

Tae. Sige na. I should be reading my SI book like NOW NA.

Pwede bang ifast forward na lang natin lahat to three weeks from now? PLEASE?

Kala mo finals na eh. WTF. Tip of the iceberg amp. THIS IS IMPYERNOOOOOO.

Cinevita blues...

Weh kapagod this day! Hahahaha. Ewan. Kasi naman kung saan-saan na ako napunta today.

- Usual food committee tasks. Nako si Celyn medyo natrauma ata. Slight lang. Haha. Pero keri lang. :))

- Super kain lang. E ganun naman lagi eh. :))

- Ok nagpakapagod hanapin si Ma'am Jani na nawawala. Buti nalang nahagilap ko yung ibang mga prof. Hahaha.

- Sinuyod ang mga tambayan sa Main, AB, TYK, at Med para maghakot ng audiences sa Cinevita. Grabe no. Nakaconvince ako ng 2 eng na manood. HAHAHA.

- Nahatak yung kapatid ko at friends nya to watch. >:)

- More buhatan blues.

Yun lang. Grabe. Pero keri lang. :))

===================================================================

Nako favorite na talaga namin ni Eli si Lady Gaga. Wala lang. Naaaliw talaga ako sa kanya. <333 Hahaha. At totoo nga yung sabi ni Jet (ok pinanood ko na naman yung video ng poker face hahahaha). Wala siyang curves kaya mukha siyang transvestite. =)) Pero ok lang. Malaswa pa rin siyang hindi nakakaturn on. =)) =)) =))

Ok F na F ko na ang mga extra eds. Na sila'y nalalapit nang lamunin kami. @_@

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Pautakan Team Captains' Meeting. Well, I think that went well naman. Nako feel na feel ko na talaga ang Pautakan. Nakakakaba. Anyway, mukhang magpupumilit ngang sumali ang Grad School. Nakupooow. @_@ Well...sana umabot sila sa Cut-Off nila. :D

Ang CRS...well...bitter talaga ako sa kanila. Hahahaha. Sana umabot pa sila sa cut-off nila bukas. Hay nako-ers. Good luck sa inyo, mga kuya at ate. Basta kami, may 11 (or 12. not sure pa) players na. Pwede na yun diba?

In any case, we'll inform the contestants na lang kung sasali ba talaga yung dalawang colleges. As Celyn pointed out...kailangan din nila malaman kung sinong makakalaban nila. Hehehe.

2. Cinevita General Staff Meeting. Ito, ok rin naman. Parang nafifeel ko na nga yung pagkamalapit ng Cinevita. :D Nako hindi ko alam yung feeling ng iba pero buti hindi ako nilagay sa gitna ng lahat ng preparasyon. Kaya hindi ko masyado feel. Kaya Pautakan ang focus ko pa rin. Hahaha.

Pero gusto ko sana i-avail yung excuse letter dahil, uhh...wala naman kasing gagawin sa lab. Well...hindi mo naman feel ang presence ng histopath lab (well...siguro naman pag tapos na ako magdecalcify pwede na diba? may excuse letter naman) at mukhang hindi pa rin naman ako ang performer sa SI lab (at nakatunganga lang ako last meeting).

Basta isa lang ang semi-sure ako: magcicivilian ako nun! :D

3. Pautakan Posters. Ipapaskil na sila BUKAS!!!!! OMG I'm sooo excited. Sana may mahimok kaming audience dahil I think our posters kick ass! :D I swear! Astig talaga!

4. Pautakan Souvenir Program. Super excited talaga ako dito because we're going to make it look like a comic book! Astig din 'to! Nako I can't wait to see it!!!

And yeah...we're trying to keep the messages part to a bare minimum. :D (at in fairness medyo naging challenge ang pagconceptualize ng Rector's message page dahil comic book nga ang theme. pero keri naman)

Nakakatuwa talaga yung Creatives namin. Grabe super jive kami sa mga ideas. Nakakatuwa. As in jive na jive. Hahahaha. Tipong, "yun din yung naiisip ko!!!!" *with matching excited tono ng boses* Nakakaexcite talaga! Lalo na yung idea rin namin sa Protest Placards. Nako ang saya pala talaga paglaruan yung concept ng Comic Book Heroes! :D

5. Pautakan AVP. Cooool! Nako super thanxxxx kay Nicole! W00t! Super bibo ng mga CA sa Pautakan. Sasayaw at gagawa ng AVP waw katuwa talaga. Life saverssss! :D Sana F nyo rin ang Superhero theme as much as we do! :D

Nako, I'm just confined in this huge bubble of excitement! Yeyeyeeeeeey! Sana naman kayanin namin ito ni Emil! Good luck to us!!!! :D

I should be in baguio right now. But noooo. Instead I'm stuck here studying my ass off on a mountainous pile of reading materials for my quizzes. Hay nako.

It's my second time to miss the PMA Homecoming. The first was when there was this meningococcemia scare in Baguio. :(

Hindi pa man ako marunong maglakad, umaakyat na ako ng Baguio. So it's a major bummer that I can't go. :(

If there's any consolation, I know that my mom would buy tons of choco flakes for me to binge on. :(

Inaaya din naman ako ni Luisa to go (aakyat ka ba?) but still...I don't want to miss anything. Plus, bababa din sila ng Saturday afternoon.

Nako so here I am stuck with my sister (na hindi ko alam kung bakit nandito e pwede naman umabsent dahil 1st year pa...)

==============================

Anyway, emo afternoon kanina at the V. Funny lang. Hahahahha.

Panuto: maglista ng walong bagay na nakapag pasaya sa araw mo ngayon. gawin ito sa loob ng walong araw at tiyak na sasaya ka ng tuluyan. ipasa ito sa walong mga kaibigan. =D

Masaya naman ang araw na ito. Yun nga lang medyo bitin na yung time dahil I chose to spend it with family and friends.

- Attended Dad's Awarding Ceremony. Individual Award siya as Best Senior Police Officer on Operations
- Watched a movie with mom (Push). Hehehe. Ok naman yung movie. I liked Dakota Fanning! Wow, she really is back!
- Got a deadline extension from FJ
- Delivered the 8th ish sa Educ and Eng buildings
- Allowed Aura and Eli to push the trolley with me sitting on it from Eng building to TYK. (WTH???)
- Chilled for a bit with them
- Pakain sa Tokyo Tokyo! <3
- Reminisced with Eli, Joseinne, Celyn, and Prinz on our first year as staffers (so parang nabanggit na yung weird first impression ko kay levine, ang quest ko to look for juanito alipio who turned out to be jet, ang "is this the dean???" moment ko, "pokpok" first impression sa akin ni eli...ang paglaladlad ni eli...etc). *sigh*

I just realized...we've all come a long way from where we have been two years ago. :p Like...from that telephone-phobic girl who schedules interviews by calling dean's offices and demanding for the dean, I've grown to become someone who can pick up the phone and address anyone casually. :p

Those were the days talaga. :D

===============================

Before I forget, magcocomment lang ako sa media men ng Bulacan. Boo. I don't like them. Like don't. like. them. Hahaha. Basta too lazy to type why. I just don't. They're like the kind of people na mapapaisip ka (from the perspective of someone who is pretending to be a journalist)...they're almost everything you won't want to be. :))